Under an Open Sky

How shall we live? ... Thoughts by Karena Kreger

Becoming Enough

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She told me that the psychological panic a 2 year old has over having to use the “wrong” sippy cup is equal to the panic I would feel if I couldn’t pay the mortgage. The scope of the problem within the capacity of our individual worlds is proportionately the same, though a clear-headed intellectual comparison of the two would not even have them in the same room.

Just so, each phase of my life opens up before me with a wide-eyed, holy-cow-I-will-never-be-enough-for-this panic. I double down. I push forward, head down, refusing to be defeated, refusing to give up. And slowly in my mental insistence it becomes obvious and true. I am not enough. I cannot.

The survival of growing pains that each season in life has brought me inevitably happens only when my hands drop down, my shoulders relax and I lean into greater resource then what I have. Like a branch sucking up the juice from the vine, there is one who is more, even when I am not. And so then I too become, enough.

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Today I join the Five Minute Friday crew in a virtual “writing lab” of sorts.  Each week a single topic is presented and we write for five minutes straight. Simply that. This is today’s entry.

Photo Credit: Rob Blair

Plowing that Field, Cleansing that Spring

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8 Months? Wow.

Today marks 8 months since we walked out of the Children’s Shelter of Cebu with two weeping little girls, full of a thousand emotions, and the two of us, wide eyed in wonder at the journey we were embarking on.

And for more than 8 months, I have been silent on this blog, in this journey. I’ve been silent and alone. I’ve often wondered why I have not taken the time to write, to give an update on the adoption, our lives and this new world. So many of you graciously supported us in the process and I’m sure there are those out there just plain curious to know. But basically, it comes down to this, there are just no words. Life has been “so much” that I’ve lost all ability to process and put together orderly, chronological and accurate words to give an account for our lives.

So you’ll forgive me if I do not start at the beginning.

Tonight I want to jump right in where I am and share a few thoughts, without the burden of going back and “explaining myself”, not giving a systematic account of the last 8 months. That might come better sitting down across from you with a cup of unhurried coffee in my hand anyway. For now, here are two incomplete images rolling around in my head.

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Imagine a field on a new farm.

We have great dreams for this field. It will be cleared, planted and produce an abundant harvest. I expect year over year rows of beautiful corn will grow, yielding plenty with joy. But this is the first year. The field is full, not of straight plowed rows, but of boulders, rocks, trees and stumps. It is uneven and difficult. We get up early and work hard, removing these obstacles, or working around them. We sweat. We work. We even cry. We fight tooth and nail to get even one row plowed and seed in the ground.

But this is the price we pay for the first year. Come next year the field will be cleared and the replanting of seed will come easier. Many of the boulders will have been moved, though not all. The field will be used to being a field, no longer a part of the wild. The seed will be greeted with more willing earth and the harvest will be stronger and eager. But this year? This first year? This year is hard.

Imagine building a family out of the clear blue sky. This year? This first year? Yes, this year is hard.

Now imagine a spring.

“Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring?”

Here in Jacksonville we know what this is. It’s called brackish. It’s like water that can’t make up its mind. It’s mingled and confused. It’s the kind of confusion that brings reports of sharks in the river and alligators at the beach. It’s just not right.

“Blessing and cursing come pouring out of the same mouth?”

No. This also should not be. In the middle of this hard field-clearing year, my soul oft resembles a confused spring. I think that’s partly why I have no words yet for you. Fatigue, pain and uncertainty is mingled with excitement, love and conviction. It’s a lot.

But tonight I am thinking again about a spring of life bubbling that is not tainted by the words of pain and exhaustion. A spring of words flowing to speak life over my family, healing over my children, and a hope for life to come together.

A field and a spring and a life lived that is not brackish.

It’s what’s on my mind.

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(James 3:10-11)

Leaving as Two but Returning as Four!

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It’s go time!

The adoption visas for our girls have come through and we are so pleased to be heading to the Philippines VERY soon to bring them home. With great joy and a bit of nervousness we are finalizing plans, travel arrangements, budgets, gifts, donations and packing up clothes. Thank you for being a part of this journey and for supporting us through it all. This is where the rubber meets the road.

My biggest prayer as we go is for the careful handling of the girl’s hearts as they make this ground shaking transition in their lives. I pray for wisdom and understanding for us as parents. I pray for peace and joy for them. I pray for lumpy details to be pounded out smooth. I pray for deep breathes and synced heartbeats.

How do you feel about messy?

A wise friend recently looked at me and said,

“I think this is going to be messy.
And I think that’s alright.”

Sigh.

I can’t think of any truer words. I needed to hear “messy” and “alright” in the same sentence. Even as the last few days in our planning have begun the messy, this morning I have purposed in my heart to respond with trust saying,

“It’s ok. Good things are happening.”

Lord, make our way straight and hide all our hearts in You.

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Look and Taste and See

By way of update, we have been exceedingly blessed by the provision of the Lord through this all. At this time we have about 95% of our budget (now over $30,000) in place. Simply wow. Look. Look, taste and see what the Lord has done!

Read more about Supporting our Adoption Costs…

Getting There and Back Again: Adoption Lists

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I’ve only recently become a video chat kinda girl. There is something about attempting to act naturally while talking to my computer and seeing myself at the same time in the smaller window that triggers my latent Junior High self conscious insecurities. And where are you supposed to look anyway? If I look at the camera to try to make “eye contact” then I can’t see them. And if I look at them on my screen, it looks like I’m just doing other work and I’m sure they wonder if I’m even listening. And God forbid an echo starts to happen and I can hear my own voice! That’s when I start to hyperventilate and just hang up to write them an email instead.

But I digress. My point is that I HAVE become more used to it lately – in fact, I’m hooked.

We have recently begun video chatting with our future daughters in the Philippines. Oh how wonderful it is to “see” them in real life! To FINALLY hear their voices and watch their faces and see their joy! Our adoption road is rounding the last corner and we’re all almost home.

We are waiting on Passports and Visas for them and then we’ll be heading that way. (And no, before you ask, I don’t know when that will be. We are at the mercy of the Philippine Passport Office and the US Embassy for this one. It is completely out of our control.)

So, being out of control, we are waiting (and waiting and waiting) and preparing. I’m making lists and checking them twice. It’s just how I roll! Here’s an idea of our recent preparations.

1. Rice.

We’ve been warned the girls will be expecting rice. Lots of rice. I’m talking rice for 3 meals a day! So we’ve picked out a nice, highly rated rice cooker. For some reason getting this rice cooker here was a big deal to me. It’s a little thing I know, but it feels good to check it off my list. You want rice? I got rice!

2. Girlie Stuff!

I was blown away a few weeks ago when my fabulous sisters and my mother threw me a wonderful Adoption Shower to celebrate their coming. We received so many blessings that day with everything from beach toys to finger nail polish, to airplane ride activities, to adorable little girl clothes. We’ve got necklaces and bracelets, books and kites, hair bows and hula hoops. We’ve even got two dainty tea sets! Bring on the girls!

3. Cebuano, anyone? Maayong buntag!

The girls learn English in school and are speaking quite well. But as anyone who has lived in a foreign country knows, it’s a little lonely when you feel like your real thoughts are just not being communicated by your limited language skills. So this is where video chatting comes back in. Courtney and I have reconnected with a Filipino friend from the past who lives in Cebu and teaches Cebuano to foreigners. We have been video chatting with her for 5 days a week over the last few weeks and she’s teaching us some basics of the language. There’s no universe where we’ll be fluent anytime soon, but it has been SO very helpful to get comfortable with the vocabulary and say a few basic things. When I told the girls it was ok if they struggle with English and we are trying to learn a little Cebuano too, they looked so very relieved. We want them to see us make an effort in their direction too. Sige, sige!

4. Packing suitcases full of blessings

We want to bless the Philippines.  In addition to our own travel needs, we are asking the Lord for a SURPLUS over our own expenses in order to respond to the requests we have had to bring supplies for the ministries we are connected with on the ground. Things such as:

  • Toothbrushes, Toothpaste, Soap, Hand Sanitizer, etc. to donate to the Feeding Programs serving the poorest of the poor.
  • Band Aids, Neosporin, First Aid, etc. for several orphanages
  • Children’s Shirts, Shorts, Underwear, Shoes, etc. for the orphanages
  • Toys, Games and Sports Equipment, etc. for the orphanages
  • Sound Equipment and a Keyboard for a local Worship Leader. 

I want to ask, if you have any connections to help answer these requests, we have extra luggage space and would really like to load it up with heaps of blessings. Keep in mind many of the smaller items can be purchased in the Philippines after we arrive if you’d like to donate financially towards these needs specifically.

5. Travel Fund

I’m so happy to report: All our agency fees are PAID IN FULL! We credit that to the Lord’s gracious provision and to so many friend’s and family’s kind generosity. We are speechless at this reality! So that just leaves us with Travel Expenses and Adoption Finalization expenses a few months later.  Here are our Estimated Expenses remaining:

Airfare – Courtney $1,500
Airfare – Karena $1,500
Airfare – for girl 1 $750
Airfare – for girl 2 $750
Food $500
Hotel $1,500
In Country Travel $700
Misc $300
Total Travel Fund Need: $7,500
Court/ Attorney/ Naturalization Fees: $3,500
GRAND TOTAL: $10,650

We have thought and prayed much about sharing these final needs. On one hand this has been a LONG road and every last molehill of money just feels like a mountain to us. Yet on the other hand we think of so many who have already honored us with their support to bring us this far and we are grateful. We hesitate to even bring it up again. But in my heart I feel it is right to present the need and ask if you’d consider helping us finish the race STRONG and get us There and Back again. I’ve setup a fund at You Caring to show the progress.

Would you consider donating even a small amount or helping us by sharing our fundraising page?

Adoption Travel Fund: Get us There and Back Again!

 

We’re almost there but not there yet.

Can I ask for prayer? Is that too generic? Maybe some encouragement? I have to say there have been moments in this process of late when we’ve felt the extreme weight and pressure of this and our heads feel like they may explode. From the pressure? From waiting? From the need? From the unknown? From the known? From the spiritual battle? I’m not sure why, or even what we are experiencing exactly, but we’re fighting hard in so many ways recently. Just a moment of honesty from my heart and I hope you have ears to hear me. Thank you for your love through it all. We’ve almost brought them home!

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Love makes a family – An Adoption Update

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It was the day before Valentine’s Day

Text from my man, “Call the Adoption Agency. They left a voicemail and said they have a Valentine’s Day gift for us.”

My heart skips a beat and I quickly dial our fabulous social worker, the one with a heart of gold and an ease about her that’s been our calming voice through this whole process.

I think I knew what was coming and didn’t expect to be sitting in Starbucks when I got this news. But I couldn’t wait a minute to call, so the next thing I hear is, “Hello Kregers, Happy Valentines Day! You’ve been approved.”

All of Starbucks must have heard my joy!

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So, its official, we are going to be parents!

Let me back up a bit, in case you’re not obsessively tracking every step in this process like I am.

We started this adoption journey over a year ago. Last summer we saw a file for a set of beautiful girls, sisters, and felt they were going to be our daughters. This led us into a prolonged period of paperwork and waiting.

And waiting, and waiting.

In November we were told we had all our paperwork in and were approved on the US side of things. Now we needed the official approval of this match from the Philippine Intercountry Adoption Board (ICAB) to make things official. Should just be another few weeks…

But then they had a typhoon and the offices were closed.

Then they had 2 week Christmas break and the offices were closed.

Then they had another typhoon, yup, offices were closed.

And then the Pope came to town and the whole country shut down.

Then, just when we thought everyone HAD to get back to work, we were told the ICAB re-assigned us to a new social worker and we had to start over at the beginning.

Holy Waiting, Batman!

So that was the day we decided to give up. “We’re going to move on and just live our lives instead of putting everything on hold. When it happens, it will happen,” my man said. And I agreed. It was hard to wait each week, hopeful, yet subdued. Always planning, but not really planning. Financially under the gun, without an end in sight.

Our social worker said to me, “Keep the faith. I’ve been doing this long enough to know that God puts the right children in the right families at the right time.” But on that day we emotionally put our expectation on hold.

Then, without warning to anyone, and without an explainable reason, our dossier bubbled to the top of the ICAB’s stack of stuff. We were put before the board and approved. Just like that. The week we “gave up” was the week of the official Match Approval, and here we are!

The next phase will be immigration paperwork, passports and visas for all! It should take about 3-4 months. After that we will fly to the Philippines to meet them and bring them home to join our family.

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Been there, bought the Tshirt

In the meantime we are finishing up our prep and raising our final funds. During the past two weeks we decided to run a fun little fundraiser to cover the current dues.

I’m not a great fund raising person in general and I have been wondering for months if there was a way to do it that worked for me and my skill set. I’m not the crafty Pinterest-y cutesy mom type, so the idea of making something to sell made me want to gag. But I am a graphic designer of sorts so when I ran into the idea of designing a custom Tshirt to sell I thought that just might work!

For days I thought about what it should look like. I knew I wanted the silhouette of a map of the Philippine Islands on the shirt. It has always struck me as a piece of beautiful abstract art! And the two phrases that the Lord has put in our hearts for this adoption were “Love makes a family” and Psalm 68:6, “God sets the lonely in families.”

Isn’t it love that makes a family?

Many have asked if we have met these children yet and already know them. When I reply no, I get a look that can roughly be translated, “Are you crazy?! How will you know you will like them? How can you commit to children you’ve never met? What if they don’t want to be your children?”

Those unspoken (and even sometimes spoken) questions do not make sense to me. I want to reply, “Did you meet YOUR children before they were born? How did you know you would like them? How can you commit to children you’ve never met? What if they don’t want to be YOUR children?!”

Isn’t it the Lord that puts our families together? Besides perhaps your spouse, do you really get to choose your family members? Family should be a love based blessing in our lives. I’m well aware that family can be hard, even hurtful. I know family can cause hard times and seasons of pain. But it is FOR GOD to set the lonely in families. He calls it a good thing. And it is FOR US to work it out and make that family, in all its history, lumps and brokenness, a thing of love.

That is our hope and our heart as we move towards the end beginning of this journey into family. 

Lord, make our families a thing of love.

See my shirt design (and order one before Sunday evening, February 22).

Many have asked how to support us directly. Read how to give via credit card or PayPal directly.

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Photo Credit: Flowers by Me. Snowflake, Chickadee, Owls by Rob Blair via Facebook.

What I Saw Under Holiday Lights

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Here are the thoughts from my journal which simmered in my heart during this Advent season, in all the coming, the going, the hearing and the seeing. This season has been thick with the seeing of things in others that I wish I could fix for them, alongside the things I celebrate. And in honest moments, its been dripping with the seeing in me of the things I wish were not there.

As our Christmas tree finally came down yesterday (nice and crispy!), I’m bidding that season farewell and sharing these final thoughts of surrender here with you.

I cannot help you.
I want to. To fix you.
To save you.
But I cannot.

You cannot help me.
I need you. I want
To lean hard on you.
But you cannot help.

Oh Lord, You are
Our only hope.
Our only light.
You alone can help us.
Help me. Help them.

Light, hope has come
And we are dwarfed by it.
Hope for the all
Hope for help
For joy, dare I say
Hope in a deep, deep hole.

Our only Light, Hope.

I cannot help and
Neither can you.
I only wish you and I
Behold the Light and
Drink deep of Hope.

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Photo Credit: Denis Collette

Approved to be Approved – An adoption update

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As we move into Thanksgiving this week, I woke up this morning with the desire to share with you where we are currently at in our adoption process. We began this journey back in January and have been slowly, steadily continuing down this road all year long. As you can imagine, it’s a long, involved process filled with baby steps. Many people regularly check in with us asking how things are moving. We are so very appreciative of your excitement and support of us through it all.

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I feel like in recent months we have not communicated a lot of details. This has been intentional and I want to explain why. At the end of August, we were contacted by our agency and presented a set of siblings to consider. We read every detail of the files we were given, talked to family, and spent time in prayer over this decision. After a few days we decided yes, we would love to open our hearts and home to these girls.

This opportunity and our decision actually came ahead of the typical order of approval we needed. This means, that once we said yes, there has been a scurry of paperwork and approval requests that had to happen to get us approved for this match. Over the past few months we have been waiting on several key pre-approvals which recently came. Bottom line, we are now officially approved to be considered for approval! You read that right, we still have to wait for more approvals. 🙂

During this time, we have not been sharing publicly information about the exact children we are being looked at closely and we want to be respectful of this process.

But things are progressing nicely and our current expectation is that our match approval from the Philippines will come through in the next month or so. At that time, our final funds will be due. Then a few more months of immigration and paperwork issues and we will be cleared to travel! So about 4-6 more months till we bring them home.

The next chunk of funds that we will need VERY soon is an additional $12,400. I mention this to say, if you were considering supporting this adoption, now would be the time we could use your help. We have been speechlessly blessed with every bit of support we have received to date and confidently look to the Lord to provide. We are also both working hard to earn the money and use it wisely as well.

This holiday season our future family is on my mind. We pray over these children and in this new year, we expect our home to grow!

Thank you for being our friends and may your Thanksgiving week be filled with peace and joy,
Karena and Courtney

More about our Adoption

 

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The Lost Art of Troubleshooting

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Troubleshooting:  a logical, systematic search for the source of a problem. We troubleshoot so the problem can be solved and we are operational again.

There is something to be said about the ability to take a problem, break it apart into its pieces and step-by-step work out a solution. It’s a skill that I daily use as a programmer, but I suggest that it is more than that. This same process can and should be applied to many of life’s problems as well. This is a life skill. An important life skill, in fact.

Some feel troubleshooting, a form of problem solving, is not a strength they possess. And I find women in particular question their logical abilities and are too embarrassed or frustrated to try. Let me offer a few steps to becoming a troubleshooting ninja, in all areas of life.

Step 1: Believe there is a logical answer.

We women are notorious for this. We get all emotionally involved and start speculating about a grand conspiracy that keeps changing the problem so I’ll never find that answer. But troubleshooting isn’t emotional at it. Whether you’re wondering why your dinner was a flop or you don’t have the mythological green thumb, or why your computer just “hates you”, remember that most things truly do have method behind the madness. You are the grand master approaching the puzzle with calm resolve and trusting an answer can be found.

Step 2: Isolate the exact, reproducible symptoms.

What is exactly going wrong? Starting with “it just doesn’t work” will never end well. (Picture me on the phone with a client banging my head into the wall when I hear that line.) WHAT doesn’t work? What would it look like if it DID work? Did it used to work for you but now it doesn’t? What changed? How will you know when you’ve fixed it?

Clearly defined goals will guide the steps to take to fix the problem.

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Step 3: Only change one thing at a time.

When looking for the needle in the haystack of your problem, it is tempting to keep changing many things to see what works. But if you change more than one thing each time around, you’ll never be able to isolate the one thing that’s messing things up.

This is an exercise in patience. If in an effort to make things work, you start making wide sweeping changes, you’ll never know what worked. What was the key to your success this time around? I don’t know. I changed 3 things, any one of them could have worked! Congratulations, your successful result is now not repeatable and therefore, useless.

Step 4: Start with the easiest, most probable cause first.

Troubleshooting is needed in complex situations, where the symptoms of a problem can have many possible causes. So let’s not get too crazy. Start with the obvious. As cliche as it is, if you were my client, I’d have you start by restarting the computer.

Recently I began noticing a new “smell” around the house. It was not obvious to me where it was coming from so I’ve been on a 3 month search. I rewashed all the laundry. I washed it again with a stronger detergent. I went through all the personal products in the bathroom and smelled everything. I bleached out the trash cans. I mopped the wooden floors. Point is, I started with the obvious and then got more complex from there. (By the way, I’m still hunting that smell.)

Step 5: Practice meticulous patience.

The biggest hindrance to logical troubleshooting is frustration. I’ve already hinted on this but the point bears repeating. Frustration causes us to rush, cut corners and miss the most obvious route. Patience settles and centers us. It causes great focus and resolve.

Step 6: Walk away.

My greatest breakthroughs have come when I “gave up” and did something else. I recently read an article that explained the science behind the sleeping brain and it’s ability to re-process the days problems. Great understanding that previously eluded us is revealed by the sleeping mind. The moral of the story is walk away, let you mind breathe, it might just surprise you with a breakthrough.

Step 7: Get a touchdown dance.

Troubleshooting is hard work. Your little brain just put out a lot of power. Time to do a happy dance, jump up and down, give yourself a high five… or a piece of chocolate cake. Whatever victory looks like to you – celebrate it! It makes this a whole lot more fun.

Let’s learn the art of troubleshooting. It will serve well as a “soft skill” in all areas of life. And yes, you can learn it, even if it’s not something that comes to you naturally.

Is it just me or is this a dying art?

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Photo Credits: Tina Urdiales, Stig Madsen, Webtreats,

 

 

Preparing-MeThis post is part of my series 31 Days of Preparing Me: forward preparations for life’s next season

To see the rest of the posts in this series, please click here.
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It is pure joy to me knowing you are reading what I am writing. Thank you.

Evening Before Morning

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New is announced before it fully arrives

Like a butler standing in the doorway, introducing the latest addition to the party… But it takes a minute for Old to finish it’s pleasantries, bid farewell and go. During that moment New waits patiently for my full attention.

Put another way…

In the evening New is declared and I rejoice in the anticipation. But after that, it gets darker and Old lingers. In fact New arrives at midnight, at the turn of the new day, the darkest of all the hours.

The evidence of New’s arrival is not seen till morning.

It takes that long for Old to finish, give up and walk away.

And I release Old even before New is fully come. That is the darkness of the night. When I live in between the moment of New’s announcement and Old’s release, Trust is my flashlight.

The evening and the morning were the first day…

Photo Credit: Rob Blair

 

Preparing-MeThis post is part of my series 31 Days of Preparing Me: forward preparations for life’s next season

To see the rest of the posts in this series, please click here.
To follow this series by email, please click here to enter your email address.

It is pure joy to me knowing you are reading what I am writing. Thank you.

He’s Got This

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It takes great trust while in the middle of what’s happening to know that something else is happening. – Michael Smith

Early on this road to adoption, in a private overwhelmed moment, I cried out to the Lord, “This is way too much – too big. I refuse to pursue this further unless I know YOU’VE got this.”

Time and time again, He has shown that yes, yes He does.

He’s got this.

In each and every season there is what happened and then there is what was actually happening. Heads down in the events, circumstances and the nitty gritty of the situation, hindsight is when we truly see what was going on all along – the deeper work – the why, and the meaning.

Its the forest for the trees. Its having the eyes to see. Its learning to lift our head and take in the view.

It’s the great trust, grown from a life that reflects honestly enough to see past faithfulness – a life that has the rest to face the current season without panic or paranoia.

I’m in the middle time, laboring to enter rest.

Everyday I think of my future children and there is so much more unknown than known. I want to know about them. I want to know where they are right now and what they are doing (I may or may not check the orphanage’s website everyday looking for more photos of them…) I wonder how they will feel when they are told we want to adopt them. I wonder what color I should paint their bedroom and if they will like living here. I wonder how I’m going to learn to cook Filipino food and what their personalities will be like. Are they shy? Are they happy? Are they passionate? Are they studious? And on, and on, and on.

This is a time requiring the trust in the One found faithful – A time where I must labor to enter into rest.

Now I’m smiling because I love this thought – taking the view from the higher peak. I’m trusting that the “rock that is higher than I”, that place I cannot reach on my own, is one I will be placed upon in the right time. And I love that He’s got this.

May all my preparations be laced with peace.

 

Learn more about our adoption and our efforts.

Picture Credit: Me! How do you like my fabulous sketching abilities?

 

Preparing-MeThis post is part of my series 31 Days of Preparing Me: forward preparations for life’s next season

To see the rest of the posts in this series, please click here.
To follow this series by email, please click here to enter your email address.

It is pure joy to me knowing you are reading what I am writing. Thank you.

What I Recently Wrote

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